Will the Broncos win the division this year?


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Friday, January 18, 2013

Dove Valley Days (the DVD) 2012

When last we visited the DVC (Dove Valley Confusion), Josh McDoucheus and his Lil' brother Bendover McDoucheus, were beating feet to the Mexican border while being closely pursued by a huge, black semi-tractor-trailer from behind and a Blackhawk-Apache-Chinook-Hellfire-UH-72A-Lakota-Invisible-Stealth-Helicopter (BACHULISH) hovering menacingly overhead.

Lil' Bendover, (who was driving while Josh slept humping his duffle bag filled with $1,000 $$$ bills that he had swiped out of Kyle Orton's locker, where the evil Joe Ellis had stashed it thinking that nobody in their right mind would look for anything in Orton's old locker) panicked from all the lights and pulled Josh's lady white SUV over to the side of the road, just yards short of the border guard booth and barricade gate. We pick up from there...

BEN; Josh, Josh, JOSH! Wake up dude! They're going to blow us up! They got missiles! We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

JOSH; (Wiping his eyes and sheepishly trying to hide his tiny "morning boner" with the duffle bag he'd been humping). WHAT THE F&*^#@!?!?! You GOD DA&^%(*$#MOTHER-FU#@%^&G-STUPID-AS$*^POS! How could you FU$#&*#G get us caught??? I had a FU@$%^& PLAN!!! MY SYSTEM COULDN'T FAIL!!! BILL SAID SO! BILL SAID SO!... BILL - aawww FU%$#@K IT! - Crash the GodDa@*&% gate dumazz! GO! GO! GO!

Just then a booming voice bellows from the (BACHULISH) hovering menacingly overhead...the voice is unmistakingly that of Joe Ellis.

JOE; Don't try it boys, we've already bought the Mexicans - take a look , that's Manny Ramirez in the guard house - you punks don't stand a chance! Give it up! All I want... err I mean, WE want is the money back. BTW, Pat says yer both FIRED!

Suddenly, a huge sonic boom surrounds the scene, instantly followed by a large black hole cracking open the space-time continuum of the hyper tense moment. Another dark voice booms out - this one strangely reminiscent of Darth Vader -

DARK VOICE; Josh, you have done well boy, so I must tell you the truth about your existence...Yes... You are my son! Quickly my loin sperm, throw out Obi Wan KenoBowlen's money and follow me back to the dark side! I will protect you and together, we can control the alternate universe. Leave the money, forget your incompetent brother, follow and worship me and I will give you everlasting life in the glowing promise land in the sky - the coaches booth at Gillette Stadium - where you will be known as OC (under his breath, Overlord's Chump)!

BEN; Who is that dude Josh? He's scary! He has a hoodie - just like you Josh - and he's twirling a whistle, just like you Josh - and, and he's picking his nose, just like you Josh - weird huh?

JOSH; Shut up Ben.

BEN; Don't do it Josh, we got the money, we got the plan, we got this badass, lady white, 4 cylinder SUV and we can crash that guard gate easy - Ramirez will whiff us, I just know it! We'll be legends in Mexico! We can start our own Mexican Football League - the MFL! The McDoucheus Football League!

JOSH; (thinks for 2 seconds then repeatedly kicks Lil' Ben in the ass) Get out you motherfu@^%*^g idiot and take this Goddamn Fu&%KING duffle bag over to the (BACHULISH) hovering menacingly over there - hand it to the smiling guy with the knife behind his back. I'm going back home with my daddy, where I belong, where I at least get a pat (hate that word) on the head when I get the coffee and sandwiches right. Good luck and don't expect a phone call - I never call anyone, they call me.

BEN; (Groveling on his knees) But, but,... but Josh, what about me? What's gonna happen to me? Can I go with you and daddy? What the hell is this white gooey stuff all over the duffle bag?

JOSH; (Kicking Lil' Bendover in the nuts and climbing into the black hole) Shove it butthead - maybe you can catch on with the Chiefs - tell em you know Cassell, Quinn and Orton, that should get you in...don't say you coached them though...and don't mention Tebow either...Oh wait, they fu*^$*&%g beat Tebow with deaddick Orton...go ahead and mention him if you want - but call him "the player" like I taught ya, azzhole. See ya later you God-da^^# Mother-Fu@%*&$# Coc^$uckers!

With that and a gigantic sucking sound that mimicked a gigantic interstellar sonic fart, Josh, his lady white, 4 cylinder SUV and the Dark Voice disappeared, leaving Lil' Bendover and the sticky duffle bag huddled in the cosmic dust.

BEN; (looking up to the starry nigh sky and shaking his fist) DADDY ALWAYS DID LIKE YOU BETTER!

The menacingly hovering (BACHULISH) then lightly touched down, a side door opened and out jumped John Elway, who quickly began throwing lazer like footballs towards the empty void that Josh and the Dark Voice had disappeared into while flipping the bird into space.

Next, out came EarWorm Joe Ellis, who quietly slithered over to the duffle bag and began humping it uncontrollably, shoving Lil' Ben into the drainage ditch.

BEN; Dude, WTF is it with you people?

Finally, golden trumpets sounded and out from the BACHULISH stumbled Obi Wan KenoBowlen (or Pat B as he's known around Dove Valley), impeccably dressed in his white fur coat and white, broad brimmed bolero hat, accented with his stylish granny sun glasses - he was hopping on one foot.

PAT-B; Gosh darn sock! Somebody go get Joe Elway for me, if anybody can find that sock, good old Joe Elway can.

ELWAY; Ellis, Mr. B...Ellis.

PAT; Tell us what Joe?

ELWAY; John Mr. B...John

PAT; There's one on the BACHULISH Joe, just go down the hall and it's the first door on the right...or is it the left...let's see, the hand in my pocket is usually my right hand so, yeah, it's the 1st door on the right, or is it the 2nd door? Let's see, if the hand in my pocket is usually my right hand and I turn in that direction, which is right, and 2 rights don't make a wrong, so the first right would make a wrong so it must be the second right Joe. Yep, 2nd right.


PAT; Well don't pee your pants Joe, I told ya where to go - and don't hit the bar in there, that's for guests.

ELWAY; Umm, Mr. B, my name is JOHN, that's JOE over there humping the duffle bag.

PAT; Wow, is this ever confusing. I can't believe I hired two Joe's with last names that start with EL. Hey, that gives me an idea, EL, like in EL Duke! I'll call you EL Duke and Joe EL can be Joel! Hey Joel, stop humping that bag and listen to me, how do you like the idea of me calling you Joel?

JOE; (Moan, hump, hump) ya baby...

PAT; Now that's settled - umm, Joel, you seen my sock anywhere around here?

JOEL; (hump, moan, groan) on your foot Pat, it's always on your foot.

PAT; Well looky there, so it is! Yer never wrong Joel, that's why I keep ya around. What's in the bag Joel? What did ya find boy? Bring it to daddy and let me see.
Joel drags the bag over to Pat's feet and spits it out.

PAT; Well don't just drool on it boy, open it up and let's see what's in there.

JOEL; Oh, I'm sure it's nothing Mr. B, probably just Josh's laundry or something.

PAT; Well, let's see. That little rascal probably has some of my socks in there - he's always pulling little pranks like that. Remember when he told me to tell that last QB that I never got a call from him or when he sent that Hillis kid to Cleveland? What a little PRANKSTER! Go ahead now and open it up Joel, let's see what the little prankster has been up to.

Joel sighs and turns the bag upside down, dumping out piles and piles of $1,000 dollar bills with a few hundreds tucked in here and there.

PAT; Holy hail Mary! Would ya look at that Joel! Why, that little rascal Joshy must have been saving up a "going away" gift for me. Geez, now it all makes sense. I wondered why he drafted that religious kid, Tim Tebrow. They told me his shirts were selling like hotcakes, I'll bet the two of them were saving this money on the side for me to buy something for the team with it. Jesus, there must be at least $96 million dollars here! What could I buy the team worth $96M? Gotta be something they need like new uniforms or a punter - ya can never have too many punters I always say. Joel, go find Joe, er I mean El Duke, that's the new name I gave him, too many Joe's around here, he's probably sneaking some of my bourbon in the John.

JOEL; You mean John, not Joe...I'm Joe...

PAT; Yes, I said he was in the John, Joel and stop calling everyone Joe, you know how confusing that is. And while yer in there, see if you can find my other sock, I know it's around here someplace...and tell Joe Fox to come pick up this money so we can get outa here.

JOEL; I can pick up the money for you Pat, it's no problem, no need to bother Joe, err, John Fox.

PAT; No Joel, this is a job for Foxy. He mentioned just yesterday that he likes to kneel down, that he'll take a kneel down every chance he can get. And El Duke agrees, so I say let the man do what he's good at and what he likes, kneeling down.
Joel, yer good with numbers, how many kneel downs to pick up $96M in $1,000 dollars bills? Old Foxy is gonna be tickled pink! Can't wait to see his face! Ya seen my shoe anywhere Joel?(To be cont.)(I hope)

Written by Bronco 1st

This vid is funny. You probably saw it already.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Game Over

OK, well that was fun. I was wrong, we lost and so now we are blaming the refs, and Fox. Not to mention the fact that the Tebowists have come out again saying he would have been better than Manning! GET FRICKING REAL!!!!! We lost. Plain and simple. No one thought we could. I know I didn't. I know the team didn't. I know Fox didn't. Somehow we managed to do it. Now we know what Pittsburg felt like last year.


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